Long time ago, I wrote about my Dad who passed away in 2006. The usual and often mentioned grieving process was not what I really experienced. The 5 stages of grief are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. We know that grief cannot be categorized like this; however, the stages can provide some guidance and understanding. We also know that the stages might not come in this order.
In my case, it was just odd. Denial, bargaining, and acceptance came pretty quickly. I thought that acceptance arrived early and I had no problems with it. I believed that I accepted my Dad’s death as a result of my spiritual faith. I was wrong, and I now cannot sweep it under the rug: After 10 years, I am grieving my Dad’s death. This can be something called the delayed grief. Little things trigger my sadness and longing for my Dad. A piece of music, a photo, a memory, even a movie or an unrelated feeling. He was my best friend and my pillar. It doesn’t matter that I was an adult when he passed away, I will always be his little girl.
Today, I fell apart a little bit. I miss his protection, his humor, and his deep love toward me. It’s ok. I know that. But I also know that drinking messed up my grieving process. It made me to escape even when I didn’t want to escape. I wanted to mourn him. My addicted mind chose a different path for me. I am not sad all the time, it comes in waves. I am angry at my addiction because it robbed me of many emotional and mental journeys. But this anger gave me strength as well. This cannot happen again. One more reason to keep that demon away by the grace of God.