Around midnight, I will celebrate 4 months of sobriety. Now I understand that 4 months is an accomplishment; however, to me it is not a milestone like 3 months, 6 months, or 1 year. It is just me, it doesn’t mean I degrade other “birthdays”.
And still, I like to reflect on the feelings, habits, and problems that changed or remained. I had periods of time when I had serious ups and downs that made me crazy. One day of happiness; one day of darkness. One moment of appreciation; one moment of raging anger. When I feel down, I mostly blame myself for it. Maybe I should say that I try to take responsibility. The truth is, I never feel completely happy but not because of guilt and not because I don’t allow myself to experience it. I simply think that total happiness doesn’t exist. It is not normal. We are way too complicated. That is why it’s not an issue to me.
I like to express whatever emotions I have. I want to be angry, I want to smile, and I want to be sad. I dream, I imagine, I create. Sometimes I destroy. In the last few weeks I learned two things: 1. I love my feelings no matter what (Unless I hurt someone else. In that case, I try to correct them). 2. Not everything is a result of alcoholism or part of the recovery process. I have always been a living contradiction. I have to accept and embrace that I am hot ice and bitter honey. Maybe that is what makes me unique, I don’t know.
I am becoming more open-minded. Although I never had problems with it, I do think that my mind and soul are growing. I am not afraid to face myself anymore and I don’t feel depressed. Sobriety gave me back my desires. Many times I feel that my heart is going to explode. The various forms of passion are almost overwhelming. But I don’t mind. I am grateful 🙂