Around midnight, I will celebrate 4 months of sobriety. Now I understand that 4 months is an accomplishment; however, to me it is not a milestone like 3 months, 6 months, or 1 year. It is just me, it doesn’t mean I degrade other “birthdays”.

And still, I like to reflect on the feelings, habits, and problems that changed or remained. I had periods of time when I had serious ups and downs that made me crazy. One day of happiness; one day of darkness. One moment of appreciation; one moment of raging anger. When I feel down, I mostly blame myself for it. Maybe I should say that I try to take responsibility. The truth is, I never feel completely happy but not because of guilt and not because I don’t allow myself to experience it. I simply think that total happiness doesn’t exist. It is not normal. We are way too complicated. That is why it’s not an issue to me.

I like to express whatever emotions I have. I want to be angry, I want to smile, and I want to be sad. I dream, I imagine, I create. Sometimes I destroy. In the last few weeks I learned two things: 1. I love my feelings no matter what (Unless I hurt someone else. In that case, I try to correct them). 2. Not everything is a result of alcoholism or part of the recovery process. I have always been a living contradiction. I have to accept and embrace that I am hot ice and bitter honey. Maybe that is what makes me unique, I don’t know.

I am becoming more open-minded. Although I never had problems with it, I do think that my mind and soul are growing. I am not afraid to face myself anymore and I don’t feel depressed. Sobriety gave me back my desires. Many times I feel that my heart is going to explode. The various forms of passion are almost overwhelming. But I don’t mind. I am grateful 🙂

Wall Art - LovePassion


14 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. First, congrats on four months. You’re a miracle.

    Second, ” I simply think that total happiness doesn’t exist. It is not normal. We are way too complicated.”

    Keep coming back and I promise you, if you work for it you’ll get to a point where you’ll think your life can’t get any better. A short while later you’ll realize it did. All by itself.

    Trust me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Every day is a victory, imho the trick is to do your best with the help available, to avoid experiencing the kind of pain that the seemingly only choice to alleviate that pain is picking up. I have found that happiness is a subtraction problem-we can be happy even when anxious, depressed, angry, these things pass like clouds. I can still enjoy a beautiful sunset and experience that joy and be grateful for it. even though things are dire in my personal and home life. and yes we have the unique affliction that has propelled us to seek a life of service. normal people are not so lucky

    Liked by 2 people

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