Overwhelming fantasies

Spring is here again. In the last 5-6 years it did not mean anything special except for the fresh scent of the winds that made me smile. But before I started drinking, this time was always marked by fantasies. I don’t think I can explain how it worked. Somehow my soul was full with deep and interesting energies. I could almost say I was blooming. Even when I could not spend time in nature, I was surrounded by it in my mind. When I did not have a love, I imagined one. I looked for connections, and when I couldn’t find them I simply fantasized about them.

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When I was drinking, this blooming period was covered in fog. Now it is not. And now it is overwhelming. It doesn’t matter that the energy is positive because it masks my calm and simple reality. Too much, too much. I feel that I want everything. I want to love beyond imagination. But it suffocates my heart. It makes me anxious. I need to get rid of it but I don’t want to let it go. I must focus on reality.

Something beautiful that is also poisonous. I wish I could express myself in a better way. Right now, the whole thing does not make any sense.

9 thoughts on “Overwhelming fantasies

      1. Yep. It helps when we can accept that those unrealistic (etc.) thoughts are not necessarily valid, it gets easier. The second thought (or whichever number gets us back on the healthy path) is more important.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I found that early on I was overwhelmed on all fronts – “good” feelings, “bad” feelings and all those in between. I had a hard time keeping a lid on it all. It was like I opened Pandora’s Box and I couldn’t contain it all. It flowed outwards and I didn’t have a way to lasso it in any way. I had a hard time explaining how I was feeling. It was like I fell into a pit of fireworks and trying to organize and sort out the explosions and they went on around me.

    But it started to calm down after a while. I just wrote, journaled and talked to others. They helped me put into words what I was feeling. I also felt that I wasn’t alone, which was very important.

    Thank you for sharing this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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