Resentment and arrogance

Today I went to a local AA meeting. I can’t say I felt comfortable because I did not know a soul there. It was also a crowded meeting. I still tried to listen and I even shared few thoughts about the dangers of ego. After the meeting I helped to wash dishes and tidy up the room. It was nice that some of the ladies came to me and gave me their phone numbers. Others complimented on my accent which happens all the time when I am around people who do not know my background. I appreciate those compliments very much 🙂

One of the women announced that they are looking for AA volunteers who could help addicted inmates at a nearby prison. Wow, I immediately got interested. I always wanted to support people with mental illnesses and/or addictions. It is probably my biggest passion and future career goal. So I asked this lady about the opportunity. She asked when did I start my recovery process. I told her that I have been sober for almost 3 months.  Apparently, I was too young to volunteer for their organization. I admit that her answer hurt me. Recovery is not only about a date or a time period. I still got it. I need more experience or AA involvement, right? But how could they set up a rule like this when I could easily lie about my AA birthday??? These thoughts were running through my mind, but another one started overpowering them: “Am I not good enough???? Based on  my education I am fucking qualified!!!” I quickly entered the mindset of a pissed off child who didn’t get the toy she wanted.

When I got home, I realized how arrogant I was even if I didn’t say anything. Funny that the main topic of the meeting was ego. Who cares about my degrees? They set up their own guidelines and I just have to accept it and wait for a different opportunity. Simple as that.

Later, I chatted with my Mom, who basically told me that she did not like the idea of volunteering because she would prefer if I broke up with everything that is related to alcohol… She does not understand the concept of addicted people helping other addicted individuals and that doesn’t involve drinking together. She does not understand the purpose of volunteering because in her mind it is not like a normal job. I just shook my head and sent her the 12. step in Hungarian. She is a good person and I love her. Maybe one day she will understand where I am coming from.

Today I was not antisocial. Today I developed resentments. I have began to work on them.



7 thoughts on “Resentment and arrogance

  1. They have limits at the prison system. It has nothing to do with you, personally. They want to make sure you’re on solid footing, and at just three months I wouldn’t trust yours either. They don’t want to wreck you.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Prison work has a lot of hoops to jump through to do work there. You need to have a certain amount of time, etc. That goes with certain groups and certain activities, like treasurer, etc. As Jim said, don’t take it personally. I know here that if you want to work the phones at head office, to talk to struggling alcoholics, you need at least a year. And that makes sense. But they still train you, etc. There are many other ways to be of service without those more formal measures! But the good news is that those kinds of commitments will always be there!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. The fact that you are willing to get out and share the message of recovery, speaks volumes. Many service opportunities require a year of continuous sobriety. Ther are many others which do not. Local detox. And like Bill and Bob did they would go to hospitals. You might find someone who would join you in an adventure like that, to a psyche ward. I would advise against going alone, though. It is much safer and the message is, in my opinion, more effectively delivered in pairs.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I actually got to be on a panel at a psyche ward when I was five days sober. To be honest, it seems a bit of a blur now, but I was happy to do it. What my friends told me was that it was as much for my benefit as it was for the people at the hospital and, looking back, I see that now. As Jeff said, there are some places to be of service. I totally understand your thoughts, and resentments have been trying to creep their way into my life lately as well. Great that you are aware!!! You are doing great!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I just remembered that visitors can show up and offer support at AA meetings in the rehab center. I might try that; however, me not being able to drive (I do plan to learn but it will take time) makes everything difficult.

      Liked by 1 person

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