I already mentioned my weird antisocial behavior regarding friends. It got worse. Not just now though. I had to realize that the fear of going anywhere alone sneaked into my brain and I don’t even know when or why. I assume that it is related to my alcoholism, because I was totally different before I started drinking heavily. I am happy to get out with H. on my side…but not alone.
Today, I am starring at a nearby salon. I need a haircut. But something doesn’t let me move. I am physically petrified; I cannot even get dressed which is very frustrating and basically I hate myself for it. I cannot take a deep breath and go. Again, I feel unsafe. Now I don’t have agoraphobia, this is something else. I keep delaying these activities by telling myself: “Who cares if you don’t get a haircut? You don’t go anywhere where others can see your hair…if you do, nobody would notice it”. I don’t think that I am trying to beat myself up. My AA sponsor told me not to. No matter how small the issue is, don’t beat yourself up for it. But I do. I am angry at myself. It is clear that I need to push myself but I fail and that makes me angry beyond words. So, one part of me wants to go. The other self finds more and more fake reasons convincing me to stay because it is better and will give me relief. No, it doesn’t. Thus, I try to fight it anyway. I keep chanting: “This is not me, this is not me…move!”
In the past, I fooled myself. I thought I don’t have to do this or that because I don’t WANT to. I know that it isn’t true, it is another lie. Another attempt to control my actions and allow fear to dominate me. Ummm is it actual fear or just maladaptive stubbornness that feeds on my addicted personality that comes with unrealistic illusions?
I am not sure what the answer is. Maybe I should REBT it. Instead, I am still starring at that salon.
UPDATE (3 hours later): I DID go to the salon. I fueled up my courage.