“Why can’t I?”

I watched the Academy Awards tonight. I remember watching it in 2014 when Pink sang “Over the rainbow”. I cried. I was drunk too. For almost 2 years, I often pulled up her performance…to cry. One time I crawled into bed with H. and started sobbing and asking: Why can’t I?

Why can’t I have a normal life? Why can’t I achieve my goals? Why can’t I dream anymore? I seemed to mourn everything I lost and I almost lost everything. I thought I was “just” depressed and emotional. I blamed my Bipolar II disorder. Back then, I could not admit that I was an alcoholic. Now I know that deep inside I was crying for sobriety without being aware of it. Now the “Why I can’t” question turned into a statement: “Of course I can!”. But I still  feel bad for that weeping and desperate person who kept listening to that song while thinking that it was the saddest one ever.

Everyone who fights addiction deserves an award. Wait, no. Sobriety is not a performance, it is a brand new life in which anything is possible.

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