Obsessed

Last night H. and I were watching one of our favorite TV series while eating a big bowl of ice cream with two spoons. I have been pigging out on ice cream in the last couple of evenings. I felt a little guilty because my stomach held up the STOP sign and I ignored it. I was stuffed but I could not put down the spoon. I turned to H. and said: “I will eat as much ice cream as I can until I get tired of it so I will not crave it anymore”. He answered me with a question: “Like drinking?”

Bang.

Something wiped off my smile and punched me in the guts. Usually, my first reaction is yelling in a similar situation. I would swear as well. This time, I simply left the room without a word. It was H. who started cursing. As I stepped out on the patio, I heard him chanting: “I am a fucking moron”. I knew he did not want to hurt me; he was joking. He has the same disease; thus, he thought that sarcasm was appropriate. Probably it was. I just could not handle it at the moment because those two words made my realize the truth. I had the same thoughts when I was drinking. It is okay to drink as much as I can…I will get tired of it. Right… I have an obsessive compulsive personality (not disorder). If I find a song that I truly like, I will listen to it over and over and over again. 25 times? 100 times? I don’t count it. I cannot relax after dinner unless I clean up the kitchen and re-organize the cluttered pantry. These are only two examples but they clearly show my tendencies regarding habits. In my case, habits can easily turn into obsessions and addictions. If I can be addicted to alcohol, I can be addicted to ice cream. The substance does not matter. A person from my AA group once told me that an addicted mind will always find a way to feed itself. Maybe this sounds too serious. Ice cream does not alter the brain like drugs do. Many people drink without getting addicted. Alcohol is not unhealthy when taken in moderation. Moderation. That is my issue. That word does not exist in my dictionary.

I went back to the apartment and I thanked H. for what he said.

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