When did I stop nurturing friendships??? When did I stop caring about new ones???
Obviously, I know the answer: When alcohol became my best friend. I rather desired quiet nights in the company of my glass than socializing. I found excuses to explain why I did not want to join parties and dinners. Oh I am tired. I have other plans (haha). I did not receive your text because my phone was dead (really?). Lies flew out of my mouth almost every day. I loved them. I believed that lying indicated power. I just decided to stay at home watching a movie and sipping alcoholic drinks until I felt good and hazy. My ill habit soon spread over my days and afternoons as well. I avoided visiting friends and relatives because my home seemed to be more comfortable and safe. Yes, I thought that leaving was unsafe. I never drank during the day but it did not matter. I had to be ready by the time my best friend arrived.
Probably my friends gave up on me which I understand. I still could do something about it regardless of the physical distance. I could engage in the local community life as well. I don’t. Now I have online friends and I honestly love them dearly. I never thought that online friendships are unreal. Seriously, what is real? To me they are real because our opinions, interests, and feelings form connections. Are these fragile relationships important? Yes they are. Are they enough to feel less lonely? No.
I have a mindset that I cannot figure out. Once I am around other people, I turn into a bubbly and talkative person. My behavior is not artificial. I do not try to brag but they tend to like my right away. Sometimes they suggest we should get together again. Sometimes they give me their phone numbers. I don’t call them. I don’t accept invitations and my usual lie nowadays is studying. I do have to study but I could easily re-create my schedule. Nope, I just shake my head and I say no. What is the deal? If I like socializing then why don’t I do it? Why do I miss the opportunities on purpose?
I am a walking oxymoron. I complain about being alone all the time, yet I am the one who chooses solitude. Another riddle.
I am going to make carrot cupcakes. Alone. Pfft.