Working for sanity

I got used to the daily routine and the discipline. I always needed discipline because I could not discipline myself which is a common characteristic among addicted individuals. It is not our fault and it is not something that others do not lack. We just have different reactions to it. It sounds weird but I liked the open doors, the nurses who checked on us during the night, and the entire schedule. My favorite was the homework time. I wrote in my journal that included describing plans. It also encouraged us to be honest with ourselves and study the background of addiction. I loved taking notes during the therapy sessions. Rating our days and evenings also offered insights about our progress. When I rated one morning as a 10, I received a standing ovation. It was a big deal and did not happen very often.

Every single day I met my psychiatrist. Usually for 5 minutes. He only prescribed medication but he was there if I wanted to talk. My physician completed blood tests regularly. My results happily screamed at me saying that they were fantastic. I almost hugged the doctor because I was afraid that my health hid nasty secrets of liver disease or other illnesses. However, it was annoying that the nurses refused to give me simple Tylenol for my aching neck unless I consulted with my doctor. It was pretty uncomfortable in the middle of the night when the doctors were not available. Ah well, I got an ice pack…

The daily AA meetings were confusing to the entire group, Many of us knew the program and previously attended meetings outside. The issue was the sharing part. We agreed that it was useless because it seemed forced especially when we had volunteer AA visitors who acted as they were little leaders (of course there are no leaders in AA..well not normally). We rather shared when we were coloring, walking to the cafeteria or hanging out on the corridors. Those precious conversations meant the world to me.

I learned the most from my fellows. Their thoughts, experiences, and personal stories helped me to realize how similar we were to each other. Knowing that I was not simply crazy or lost provided serenity and motivation to change. On the other hand, sometimes I felt like I had two different personalities. How could I laugh and joke around when I felt lonely and scared? Did I cover my face with a mask? 

Soon I became aware that my soul tried to defeat and save itself in the same time. I thought that my fight started before rehab. Nope. I stepped on the battlefield when I entered the program. My insanity was attacked by an awakening sanity. My maladaptive thoughts had strong and deep roots that I intended to dig up. But all the new information made my mind sweat. Thank god it did not stink…


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