In a recent post I wrote that I chose to go to rehab after nothing else worked. Whoa, I was scared (who wouldn’t be?) I admire everyone who takes this step.) H. and my sponsor almost had to push me toward the door. Once I was in I calmed down. That is exactly how I feel when I go to the dentist. A nurse asked me thousands of questions and I got some food and water which was really nice of her. After I got into the rehab center everything went crazy fast: vitamin shot in my butt, extra pillow and blanket, friendly people around me, dinner at the cafeteria, AA meeting. I received my belongings as well…well…half of my stuff was missing. I carefully packed. I reviewed the website of the hospital that explained the rules: no phone, no glass, no plastic, no metal etc. Obviously I did not pay enough attention to the guidelines. When they took away my deodorant because one of the ingredients was alcohol, I freaked out. What would I do with it? Eat it?? Actually some people tried that in the past 😟 Same with cue tips. I heard that someone shoved it in his ear until it started bleeding. Eventually I accepted what they told me regarding the restrictions. They made a lot of sense.
My real fear increased once the place settled down. For a while I could not reach H. I felt lonely. The last time I had to be in a hospital environment (even if this rather looked like a motel) I was 3 years old. During this first evening I often went to the bathroom. To cry. I sat in the corner and my body shook. Not because of physical withdrawals, I was just scared. H. called me back and I begged him to pick me up. Fortunately, he successfully convinced me to stay. As I said bye to him, I teared up again. Two women from the group came over to me and gave me huge hugs. That’s when I knew that I belonged there.
The first night was more than interesting. I took Librium in case of withdrawals and Trazodone for sleeping. I was glad that I did not have a roommate. Of course I could not sleep at all. Checking on me with a flashlight every 15 minutes and checking my vitals in every 4 hours did not help. I ended up at the nursing station in the middle of the night to chat. They were happy to do it. For the rest of the night I just laid in bed praying and waiting for breakfast.