It all began in childhood. What else is new? So I was born and raised in a European country (details are not important). I was an only child spoiled by my parents and relatives. My dad tried to challenge me from time to time. He had a great sense of humor; people loved it. So did I. My mom always protected me from whatever she thought was dangerous for me. Her love overflowed and I bathed in it even when she fought depression. We spent long vacations with my parents’ friends and families at a nice big lake. I remember how popular I was among adults. Yep, I see a pattern. Adults.
I did not have friends at all. Okay, that’s a lie. I had one friend; however, I only saw her twice a year during summer. Anyhow, I was alone most of the times. I was lonely as well. I played with imaginary friends to whom I gave personalities and voices. They were fun. I could hide behind them especially when my classmates started bullying me. The emotional and verbal abuse set me up to further develop my imagination. Then my imagination turned against me (a little). My mind exaggerated daily events in horrible ways. My mind had a magic wand. My nightmares were realistic to me. They were unrealistic to my parents…and to my psychologists. But soon I was “cured”. The nightmares passed and I learned to handle my bullies. How? I simply watched MY adults.
By the time I was eleven, I was surrounded by buddies. Some of them became my best friends. It is funny because – surprise! – they were my bullies from the past. I rose from my ashes. During the following years I became kind of famous in my small society. I wrote poems. I gained the interest of people. I got good grades. I had faith. As a teenager and young adult I saw a shiny road that the Universe laid down in front of me. I easily finished high school and enrolled in a university program (no need for bachelor’s degree in my country of origin). I became very hungry. I tried everything I could from witchcraft to wild parties. I enslaved boys. I thought I was extremely complicated and smart… I was an arrogant bitch behind the mask of the emphatic, sensitive person. And holly hell, I drank too.