After I admitted that I am an alcoholic, I spent days of research to find options. I totally rejected the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. Come on, what is this bullshit? Once you’re an alcoholic you will always be an alcoholic. No way. 12-step program…what for? I can fix myself. I can do it, I can do it, and only I can do it. I would like to clarify something at this point: I do NOT think that individuals with substance abuse are incapable of sobering up without programs or counseling. However, it did not work for me. I tried very hard and I failed. In my case, those attempts were the result of fighting my addicted mind. She was scared and evil. She told me to fight alone. She knew that she could trick me. While I was searching for solutions, I still kept drinking. And I kept pretending that I could win. My imagination was showing wrong pictures again. Now I can smile at myself in a loving and non-judgmental way. Here is why: I was drinking wine while I imagined a battlefield with powerful creatures that destroyed my monster. But soon I had to realize that my actions were useless. I gave up.
I started going to AA meetings. I shared my thoughts and I found a sponsor who gave me advice. Nothing changed. This was before we had to leave my mom-in-law’s house. As I mentioned, H. went to rehab. Meantime I packed up our little stuff that was placed in storage later. It was not as horrible as I imagined. What was horrible is that I had to find a new family for my precious little bird. She was part of my family for almost 9 years. My heart broke but not only because I had to give her away. Later as I became more honest with myself I had to admit that I was a terrible Mama Bird. As my alcoholism got worse, I got more impatient and angry. I often neglected her. I fed her and took her out of the cage; however, I stopped showing love. I know that part of the recovery process is forgiving. Not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for my ugly behavior toward her.
On the day H. left the hospital, my family members dropped me off in a parking lot where H. met me. Thankfully, my mother wired us some money so we could move into a motel for few days. H. did not drink anymore. I was fascinated by the change I saw on him. I wanted to follow his path. I read the Big Book, I meditated, and I took notes. Nothing changed. Rehab became my only chance.